The woes of fertility

...or lack of. Is there is a word for can-get-pregnant-but-need-to-stay-pregnant? I can't claim myself infertile and not sure I can even classify myself secondary infertile either. I'm in no word land. 

I'm kind of in that middle ground given that I don't really know where I am. I suppose I'd be pretty annoying not to give the facts here because let's face it, blogland is about being honest and open. If not, what's the point? Why not keep a paper bound journal just for you? My cousin Clare tells me that the more detail the better, even when boring. So, loyal readers, we're now talking nearly 17 months. Though do I count the whole time given that I had losses in that time? Not sure. I'm going with yes because from the start of this journey to now, with no baby in sight, that's how long it's been.

If you want even more detail, and Clare this is for you, I'm sitting on a 5-6% chance of natural conception. Want to know your stats? You can pay around $200 for go here for a basic analysis and get it for nothing (though despite the ease and accuracy of the predictor, I just love my specialist and the money was well worth it). When I tell people the 6% bit they seem horrified. Really though, on any given month a healthy, average female only has about a 20% chance anyway (unless you are 25). Let's just say it could go either way. We may well end up having to beg, borrow or steal for IVF, or may not. It's anyone's guess. Some would say it's in God's hands and I'd be inclined to agree actually.
 
I know, I know, 17 months is not out of control crazy. But it's pretty long all the same. It feels long when those who stared trying after you are now nursing babies. It feels long when there are growing pregnant bellies everywhere you look. It feels long when you're filling in primary school applications for your first child. It feels the most long when you are waiting to get the go ahead to keep actively trying after having a chemo drug to end the life of the baby you were meant to have after they got stuck in the wrong place! You get it- it feels long, and it's all relevant anyway, right? I guess what matters here, is that to me that's how it can feel sometimes (when dwelling that is and as I'll go on to explain that is not common).

Those trying for a baby for years would think I'm being ridiculous whereas those who easily had kids when they wanted them would think otherwise and probably feel quite sorry for me (I do - sometimes but mostly not). That little bracket bit, for which I am a big user without meaning to be, might seem a contradiction. Yes, you are reading about the woes of NOT being pregnant and it does indeed sound negative but to be fair, I'm typing and as I do so focusing on the topic at hand. For the most part, for nearly my whole day, I don't in fact dwell on it much at all. It's no different to if I were typing about a cookie recipe. In that moment, at that time, I'd sound obsessed with baking (that may well be a little true I guess so a bad example).
 
That's all for today. Thanks for reading :)