Thoughts about playdates

While it's on my mind I thought I'd share some wisdom. I don't have much in the way of child rearing advice but feel I've figured out the playdate thing, at least where my child is concerned. I had a good chat to a close friend about this not so long ago and it's all just seeming so much clearer now. She is my go-to for anything parenting related... everyone needs someone like that in their life.

To cut a long story short, I've decided that a four year old just doesn't have the social graces to 'host' a playdate as many adults would expect. Certainly not as I expected and I've come to learn this the hard way. If I'm stating the obvious then read no further. 

We've had many, many playdates over the last couple of years and so often I've found myself being angry with Lucie. Either she's not listened, not co-operated, not made her guest feel welcome enough, not shared, not compromised, not, not, not, not. You get it. Surely you're reading this, as I am now, asking if I've got rocks in my head. To be honest, I think it comes down to how much I want these playdates to work. Thankfully though, I've had a total epiphany in relation to play dates recently and it comes down to one simple sentence: she's only four.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a mum that expects my small child to be all adult like and I know as well as the next (or even better than the average next) that kids will be kids. But, I'm human and I need reminding. When you think about it, really think about it, a play date is quite an adult notion. I'm talking specifically about the kind of playdate that involves inviting another over to play sans any significant adult, not the one that is about the mum relationship that is based on a friendship without your kids - when you really know each other and bring your offspring along to play while you chat/lunch/coffee, etc (because that kind of play is totally, totally ok in my book). 

I refer to a playdate as quite adult because when you think about it, hosting another person in your space isn't something that comes easily or naturally to children of Lucie's age, and nor should it. We as parents need to expect that they might not share or be graceful or kind the whole time and that's ok. Can you tell that they person I am most sharing this with, is myself?! I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts into words. Call it a reminder :)

So what is the solution and am I making any sense here? In terms of a solution I've decided, through trial and error, that the average four year old can last about an hour and a half (give or take that last half hour) before the whining, the fighting, the tiredness and the overall boredom sets in. For me, this is when it gets tough to decipher bad from age-appropriate behaviour. As well as sticking to this kind of time, I think it's also about keeping a good eye on what's going on. Being far enough away to let them feel they are having a good independent play but close enough to step in if and when a third party adult could come in handy (and let's face it, that's going to be a matter of when, not if!).

Am I the only one? Sometimes it used to feels as if I had the only child on the planet who couldn't handle a playdate. She wanted them so desperately and then failed miserably when they did eventuate. Or did she? NOOOOOOO!!! I DID. What I had to absorb, accept and remember is that it's not a failure if there are tears from either party, if the child who visits does not have the best time they've ever, ever had or if toys/games/dolls/food or otherwise are not shared miraculously the whole time. That's what being four is all about.

The woes of fertility

...or lack of. Is there is a word for can-get-pregnant-but-need-to-stay-pregnant? I can't claim myself infertile and not sure I can even classify myself secondary infertile either. I'm in no word land. 

I'm kind of in that middle ground given that I don't really know where I am. I suppose I'd be pretty annoying not to give the facts here because let's face it, blogland is about being honest and open. If not, what's the point? Why not keep a paper bound journal just for you? My cousin Clare tells me that the more detail the better, even when boring. So, loyal readers, we're now talking nearly 17 months. Though do I count the whole time given that I had losses in that time? Not sure. I'm going with yes because from the start of this journey to now, with no baby in sight, that's how long it's been.

If you want even more detail, and Clare this is for you, I'm sitting on a 5-6% chance of natural conception. Want to know your stats? You can pay around $200 for go here for a basic analysis and get it for nothing (though despite the ease and accuracy of the predictor, I just love my specialist and the money was well worth it). When I tell people the 6% bit they seem horrified. Really though, on any given month a healthy, average female only has about a 20% chance anyway (unless you are 25). Let's just say it could go either way. We may well end up having to beg, borrow or steal for IVF, or may not. It's anyone's guess. Some would say it's in God's hands and I'd be inclined to agree actually.
 
I know, I know, 17 months is not out of control crazy. But it's pretty long all the same. It feels long when those who stared trying after you are now nursing babies. It feels long when there are growing pregnant bellies everywhere you look. It feels long when you're filling in primary school applications for your first child. It feels the most long when you are waiting to get the go ahead to keep actively trying after having a chemo drug to end the life of the baby you were meant to have after they got stuck in the wrong place! You get it- it feels long, and it's all relevant anyway, right? I guess what matters here, is that to me that's how it can feel sometimes (when dwelling that is and as I'll go on to explain that is not common).

Those trying for a baby for years would think I'm being ridiculous whereas those who easily had kids when they wanted them would think otherwise and probably feel quite sorry for me (I do - sometimes but mostly not). That little bracket bit, for which I am a big user without meaning to be, might seem a contradiction. Yes, you are reading about the woes of NOT being pregnant and it does indeed sound negative but to be fair, I'm typing and as I do so focusing on the topic at hand. For the most part, for nearly my whole day, I don't in fact dwell on it much at all. It's no different to if I were typing about a cookie recipe. In that moment, at that time, I'd sound obsessed with baking (that may well be a little true I guess so a bad example).
 
That's all for today. Thanks for reading :) 

Important questions at the sausage shop

We were at Vic market on Sunday and about thirty seconds after I took this photo Lucie suddenly asked Caroline (my sister) "if two girls get married and have a baby, who gets to be the Mummy and who gets to be the Daddy?". Caroline looks at me and tells me this is my one to answer. 

This of course has nothing to do with Caroline not knowing what to say. I know with certainty what she'd say, but unfortunately this kind of question comes down to what the actual parent present chooses to tell their kid. I say unfortunately because I find it a bit sad that some parents choose to tell their kids that that kind of scenario isn't ok. Personally, I wish it didn't come down to a matter of opinion.

My response: "They both get to be the Mummy. The baby would have two mummies, and that's ok". Lucie then nods before moving onto something totally unrelated - I think it was the type of treat she was hoping for at the end of the shopping trip.

For the record, I DO appreciate, and respect, that some parents would indeed find my response the unfortunate one. Each to their own. It's not up to me to educate or teach any children other than my own and I would never try to do this. Needless to say, it's something I often have to bite my tongue over. I also realise that my opinions contradict my Christianity, but that's a whole other post.

Imagine how hard it would be to challenge something you've believed your whole life. Kids do (pretty much always) believe what their parents tell them and if I'd chosen to tell Lucie that a child having two mummies wasn't acceptable, that's no doubt what she'd grow up thinking (dare I say it again... unfortunate, to me anyway). I am thankful that my parents are very open-minded and I'd this to be the same for Lucie.

My point is that it is just such a HUGE responsibility having this influence over your children. Until she gets older herself, Jeremy & I have the power and that's a little (actually, a lot) scary. Needless to say, she'll make up her own mind one day about pretty much everything and I'll be watching, listening, and HOPING, with much interest. 

Oh crap, I don't have an RSS feed

Ten minutes ago I didn't even know what on earth this was (this is what it is for anyone else not up with it). Truth be told, still don't really. But I'm learning. I've been on google and I'm getting it all worked out. 

Seems I need one! A favourite blogger of mine Jenny (and not just because she has a fabulous name or because her daughter Lucy does too!!!)wrote about how they are pretty much essential. As she's not the first to say so, I thought I'd better find out more. 

See, here's the thing. This is a little blog about not very much as yet. But I love writing it and I want to keep doing it so I figure I better get with the program. This is because, amazingly/strangely/incredibly/not-sure-exactly-how, people are actually reading my blog. People I don't even know. I knew my Mum did and maybe Jeremy sometimes but then I figured out this stats thing and got a shock. So, turns out it's not just for Lucie to read in the year 2031. 

In any case, stay tuned for this blog to have the essential elements, like RSS. Coming soon. 

My new t-shirt

This would sure come in handy. 

I wouldn't always wear it, but mostly would (when I didn't mind having a chat) so I guess I'd have to have a few in my wardrobe. 

I thought about this last week after a patient asked me about my face. The first one for a long, long time. I didn't mind, AT ALL. He was lovely. He started his question with "I'm going to ask you what everyone else is probably too scared to", so I knew what was coming and I appreciated his honesty. We had a good chat about it and it was no biggy.

It's was better than the time the checkout chick pretty much yelled "oh my God, what happened to you?" when I reached the front of what was still a long line behind me. For the record, I responded with "oh my God, what happened to your manners".

It's not that I don't want to tell patients. I simply don't bring it up because I'm there as their nurse and it's about them. It's not about me.

As for friends/neighbours/kinder mums/sales assistants/the postman/train drivers/passers by, etc) I don't have a problem with it. I'm sure they are incredibly curious. I understand this. I am too :) It's human nature. Understanding it makes it easier. 

Having an illness that you can see comes with it's disadvantages. You can't hide it and there is no pretending it's not there. A diabetic does not need to inject their insulin out in the open for example, but for those with any kind of deformity, it's like free for all public viewing. This is a fact, that's all there is to it. I had two choices - deal with it or not, and I think I made the right decision.

Anyone who has ever been pregnant or perhaps broken a leg will understand. "How did you break it" would have gotten old, kind of like the constant "when are you due?/boy or girl?/first child?" etc, etc, etc and then some.

The point of me talking about this? To share my view that getting over feeling hurt or worried, embarrassed or ashamed, is pretty much essential if you want to get through life as a happy person. My advice to anyone facing these challenges is to remember, always, that people are simply curious. 99% of the time, the average human is simply nosy. I can relate to this! 

There are two kinds of people who will ask about a face like mine. 1). Curious and concerned or 2). Curious and rude. If you're dealing with the former, just tell yourself that it's nice they care. If the latter, don't lose any sleep over it. Do you really care about what a person who isn't that nice thinks about you? Chances are they are living a pretty sad life anyway because let's face it, rude people don't generally have a lot of love in their life. 

parents who can't spell

For as long as I can remember I've LOVED the name Lucy. Of course, I still do. I knew for a long time that I wanted this name for my daughter (if ever blessed with one). Jeremy liked it too, until he found it as 'Lucie' when we honeymooned in Paris (that sounds quite glamorous when I put it like that!) and then he too LOVED it. By the way, we were not pregnant in Paris, I was just talking A LOT about the possibility :)

Lucy/Lucie, it's still the same name. Kind of like Jennifer and Jennipher. Yep, I met another Jen last week who spells it just that way. 

You set your poor child up for a lifetime of name misery when you do what we did, that I now realise. One thing's for sure though - we'll take it any way it comes. You can't use an 'ie' and then get upset when cards or the like read 'Dear Lucy'. Such is life. 

Poor Lucie though. Some kid teased her about not having a y and she's taken it to heart. We didn't even know about it until her kinder artwork started coming home with a new name. She's announced it's to stay this way... 

I'm guessing she'd be teased as a Luciy even more.

Working mum

I have started full time work. It's been FIVE long years since this was last the case. Talk about tired, and it's only day two. I'm about to get into bed and watch an episode of Grey's (current equal favourite. Draw with Parenthood). 

So, what do I think about being a working mum? H-A-R-D. I take my hat off to the women who do it week after week while I wonder how on earth they make it work. My life already feels like a balancing act and my calendar is so full of logistical details that I get a headache just looking at it. 

In a couple of short weeks I'll be down to three days a week and life will become less chaotic!

As far as my job goes though - I love it. Being a nurse is truly the best job in the world.